ankybeatsall2468
MemberCompsognathusFeb-10-2015 3:30 PMDeinocheirus
Length: 40 feet x 1
Height: 20 feet x 1
Weight: 6.5 tons x 1
Aerosteon
length: 30 feet x 2, 32 feet x 1
height: 10 feet x 2, 11 feet x 1
Weight: 2 tons x 1, 2.5 tons x 1
Utahraptor
length: 20 feet x 2, 21 feet x 1, 24 feet x 1
height: 7 feet x 2, 7.5 feet x 1, 8 feet x 1
weight: all around 1 ton
The pack of hungry Utahraptors scour the forest for prey. They were all hungry, and willing to take on a pair of tyrannosaurus if it meant two scraps of meat for everyone. They were that hungry. After a few minutes, their luck changed. They stumbled uon an old deinocheirus around the size of a T. rex. Its back was toward them, and silently they attacked. They let out no screeching roars or growls, and that made their whooshing, deadly charge all the more terrifying. The beast fell quickly, and the utahraptors ate. For a while, there were no communications at all, just the sound of satisfied ripping and chewing as the raptors attacked the succulent food and contented their hunger. The entire 40-foot long, 18.2 foot tall, 6.4 ton meal lasted only half an hour, and by the end of thirty minutes, the entire deinocheirus was stripped clean down to the bones. The alpha male stood up, and all the others stood up too, feeling refreshed. Just then an angry bellow sounded from the edge of the clearing, then three shadowy figures appeared, each at least ten feet longer than the twenty-foot long utahraptors, except for the first one, which was two feet longer than the other two newcomers that stood behind him. Quite obviously this was the leader.
They had been stalking the deinocheirus, and were infuriated to find that in the short time they had lost track of their prey, it had been devoured and picked clean by four lesser predators. The lead aerosteon stepped forward and decided that since the deinocheirus was eaten, they might as well just eat the utahraptors instead. For a moment the sun overhead cast its light down on the trespassers and they looked brilliant- three fanned-out silhouettes, jaws lined with razorblades and streaked with red and gold and electric blue. Without a warning, they charge the utahraptors.
The alpha male utahraptor clicks, growls, and taps his right foot on the ground six times, then looks at his mate for confirmation. The female nods in approval, and all hell breaks loose. The whole clearing explodes into battle with aerosteons streaking every which way, and tripping over the carcass of the terrible-handed ornithomimid. The utahraptors stay organized and only attack the rightmost aerosteon. The targeted allosaur hatchet-bites the head off of one attacker, but the others swarm it and slice open its neck/throat/head/stomach/anus, spilling blood/brains/guts/poo all over the ground. Both packs break away to regroup, and a sudden crashing in the forest alarms and gets the attention of both pack leaders. The outline of a huge ornithomimid clears and another deinocheirus, presumably the dead’s mate, charges out of the treeline. She swipes at the nearest thing to her, an unfortunate aerosteon, and it goes down in one slash, three blood-red scratch marks down its chest like humongous, thin (tire) tracks. The remaining allosaur jumps and latches onto the murderer’s long, slender neck. One utahraptor grabs onto the aerosteon’s hindquarters, and the deinocheirus collapses, bringing down the other two terrible lizards with it. The aerosteon crushes the dromaeosaurid’s leg in the fall, and is attacked by the alpha female and male utahraptors rushing over to help their crippled packmate. It easily shakes them off, then snaps the neck of the wounded utahraptor. The alphas are about to finish off the downed allosaur when a shadow looms over them. The deinocheirus’ neck hadn’t snapped, the deino had just collapsed under the three ton weight. Now up again, it raises an eight-foot long knife-blade tipped arm to slash the alpha male, when the female jumps into action, locking onto the shoulder of the terrible hand(ed lizard), and, using her sickle claw and three inch long teeth, saws right through its raised arm! The falling hand blades skim the face of the male utahraptor and leaves shallow blood marks, who leaps out of the way… leaving the last aerosteon to a gruesome death: impaled by three falling dagger-claws through the head, chest and stomach. The allosaur gives a last gasp for breath, coughs up some blood, and goes limp. The female utahraptor clambers up the stunned deinocheirus’s neck and sinks her teeth into its small head, this time killing it for good.
And the winner is....... UTAHRAPTOR OSTROMMAYSORUM!!!
They had strength in numbers, and were most intelligent. Hunger and refreshed vigor also played important roles in the fight.
Lord Vader
MemberTyrannosaurus RexFeb-10-2015 3:58 PMNice fight, I was rooting for Utahraptor.
Some advice now. Try to improve your grammar. The fight was great, but it may have flowed better with improved grammar. We all start somewhere though, and the only way to improve is to keep writing them.
Looking forward to your next fight.
Jack of all trades. Master of none
ankybeatsall2468
MemberCompsognathusFeb-10-2015 4:09 PMwas it because it kept changing from ppast tense to present tense to past tense again?
Silver_Falcon
MemberCompsognathusFeb-10-2015 4:37 PMWhen writing stories, It's ok to change the tense sometimes. As long as each sentence has the same tense, it'll generally work out.
No, your tenses where fine.
The part that needs the most work, is the amount of excess detail you have thrown in.
One thing I like to do is read through my finished story, and see If there is anything that can be cut without damaging the story itself. A good example of this was when you gave the measurements of the first Deinocheirus that was slain. While factual and informative, it was also unneccesary, and could've been cut.
So, next time you write a fight, read through it, then read through it again, all the while keeping an eye open for these excessive details, and removing them when possible.
Also, good fight.
Here, have a waffle (-'.')-#
Silver_Falcon
MemberCompsognathusFeb-11-2015 12:36 PMI never said it was a bad fight. It was a great fight, but there were some things that could've been better. I too like this fight.
Here, have a waffle (-'.')-#