How to Velociraptor Proof Your Life

How to Velociraptor Proof Your Life

Lieutenant 9097 speaking. I'm here to explain what you can do to get rid of the nuisance that is the Villainous Velociraptor. Unless you have good memory, get out a pen and paper, you'll need it. Or take a screen shot, I don't care. There are many things that can be used for your defence, so here are a few that can be obtained prior to disaster by everyone.

12 Gauge Shotgun

Nothing says "Get off my lawn" quite like a shotgun. The 12 gauge doesn't have to be anything special. A 12 gauge is a 12 gauge wether it's pump, semi, double barrel, single shot or automatic. For the highest efficiency, a pump, semi or automatic shotgun is recommended with OOO buck shot.

Hunting Rifle

For long range pest control, get a .30 calibre rifle. I'd recommend a 30-06 or .308. Much like the shotguns, it doesn't have to be anything special. Bolt action is the most common and popular for hunting rifles. Use hollowpoints.

Pistol

About any pistol will be helpful. I'd recommend 9mm, .357, .45ACP, or any pistol in a magnum cartridge, but that's just me. Pistols are almost exclusively semi automatic, and unless you've got a revolver, are usually higher than 10 round capacity.

1969 Dodge Daytona

Nothing says "Eat my dust" quite like the wing cars of the 70's. Topping out at about 200 MPH, these cars mean business. If you want to escape a hungry raptor, what faster and more stylish way than a classic Daytona? There isn't one unless you've got a custom paint job on a Plymouth Roadrunner Superbird. From Raptors to ricers, these cars will beat out anything on land.

Lifted Four Wheel Drive

Can't get a wing car you say? I know that feel, I've been looking for months. Then get the next best thing, a jacked up four wheel drive. From mud pits to Raptor hordes, these thing will go through anything.

A Fat Person

Picture says it. If you can't get a fast car or a big gun and you're forces to walk, get a fat person. Not only are they slow, but the odour produced will attract Raptors to them while masking your scent, or it will be so disgusting that the Raptors will leave you alone.

Round Door Knobs

When all else fails, lock yourself in a closet that has a round door knob. If Jurassic Park taught me anything, it's that ONLY round door knobs will keep you safe from creatures that don't have thumbs.

Hope

Can't get anything on this list? Well, then your last option is hope. Maybe there is life after death. If there is, you could meet a dead person you've always idolized. Maybe for 10 minutes a day, you can spend time with your grandfather who died in WW2, or your uncle who kicked the bucket a month before you were born. Maybe you could meet a celebrity who's work you've always enjoyed. Perhaps death isn't that bad. Then again, the other possibility is that you just rot in the ground.